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[24 Jul 2019|12:00pm]
im not sure at this stage that i will get to move house until i am working again. this makes me PISSY. i cant afford a deposit, cant borrow a deposit, and im not homeless or imminently homeless so cant apply for the deposit bond scheme. i need to think very very long and very very hard about how i can get out of this flat, this being the case. im not sure its possible. this thought makes me feel deflated, like a sad old helium balloon in a gritty oily puddle. either that, or i need to find some way of never having to spend any time there whatsoever, which would probably involve finding some kind of love partner with an awesome flat and an almost unlimited tolerance for my presence in it, *or* of completely changing my attitude towards it so that i hate it less. the latter is probably most feasible, but im so stuck in loathing the place that i dont know how to turn that mindset around. bwwwwuuurggghhhh.
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[11 Mar 2019|03:02pm]
on monday i accidentally made an awesome fucking soup. i bought some enormous leeks, so enormous that they kept falling out of my handbag (yes i carry leeks in my handbag, what of it) onto the ground when i was walking into town. however, despite being gargantuan they were so flavoursome that when i ate the first mouthful i actually had to congratulate myself out loud for my achievements in the realms of soup cookery. 'oh, well DONE alice. that IS good'. i didnt even use marigold bouillon either, i used some variety of cube. im beginning to question my devotion to marigold. maybe ive just been suckered by delia. maybe there really are readymade stocks that can compete. im quite thrown, to be honest: its like growing up a christian and then accidentally watching fifteen minutes of a programme by richard dorkins. (do you see what i did there? DORKins. dick DORKins, thats what i call him. im pretty much your dictionary definition of an agnostic but that man makes me want to go and get my ass all baptised and shit. he is a total bumwizard).

this might not sound like much to you- i bet you cook impressive soups at the drop of a hat. i haven't cooked a meal from scratch since last year, possibly, and certainly not a hearty and warming soup. it was a real moment for me.

other good shit: after nine weeks on the waiting list i am very nearly in receipt of the first series of the wire. i cheated last weekend and borrowed the first three episodes from 20th centure flicks, and anticipate some major life- stealage on the horizon. WOOOT!
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[25 Feb 2019|12:21am]
why did noone tell me mr scruff had written a song called 'crisps'? and that it is, in fact, almost *as good as* crisps?
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[21 Feb 2019|04:40pm]
also- i am currently overusing the word 'motes' in my writing. but thats fine. its a lovely word that describes a lovely thing.
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[23 Jan 2019|01:13pm]
gok wan seems only to want 'larger ladies' who can provide extensive photographic evidence of their manifold fashion disasters. im not sure if, as a size 12 lady with 32G enormoknockers, i entirely count as a larger lady any more. and, while im not as stylish as i tell myself i may once have been, i wouldnt call anything in my wardrobe a 'disaster' as such. i just want a makeover FOR GODS SAKE. and, also, the opportunity to tell gok wan that, whilst under my roof, he will refer not to 'bangers' but to 'bosoms'.
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[20 Jan 2019|05:06pm]
i am watching the inauguration in an internet cafe because i dont have a tv. but... i really need a wee. i suspect that if i go for a wee during rick warren, ill probably get distracted and go and buy a bun or something and then i will miss HISTORY.
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[12 Jan 2019|11:21am]
well, it would appear that i dont understand the phrase 'not compatible'. not being particularly technically minded, i assumed that if a machine was described as 'not compatible' with another, different kind of machine, that the first machine would not do anything when connected to the second machine, or a grey box would come up that said something like 'error 973- yeah, hello? this isnt going to work, silly.'. (it probably wouldnt be a grey box on a mac though, would it. it would be a white box.) anyway, the upshot of my 'not compatible' miscomprehension is THAT MY MP3 PLAYER IS FUCKING DEAD. it would appear that the zen creative stone is not compatible with macs in the same way that human beings are not compatible with, for instance, ebola.
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[19 Dec 2018|07:29pm]
i hate it when you think you know what a word means and then you find out you dont. i always thought frottage just meant, you know, dry- humping: apparently it actually means non- consensually rubbing your body against another person's body in order to achieve devious sexual pleasure. this news is officially upsetting enough to make me SWITCH OFF THE INTERNET.
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[13 Dec 2018|04:10pm]

oh and also, i went to see the day the earth stood still yesterday, mainly because noone had specifically warned me against doing so. my favourite bit: the beginning, where keanu reeves (polar explorer) is in a tent in the snowy, blizzardy climes of one- or- t'other of the poles. he sees an unearthly light outside, and leaves the tent to investigate, making sure to put his gloves on when he does. mmm, because its going to be substantially chillier outside of the tent, isnt it. it doesnt really get any more sensible than that, but i thought peter bradshaw's one star review was pretty cruel. i mean, yes, its deeply humourless, appallingly scripted, mawkish and preachy, probably offensively idiotic if you know *anything* about science at all (which i dont, but even i can tell when a film is just pissing about with science to make itself sound clever), and so effectively paints the human race as boorish, half- witted and hateful that you dont really care if they/ we are destroyed wholesale by the alien invader... but it was entertaining, in its own way. i think one star reviews should be reserved for films that are unwatchably awful that they make you want to punch the headrest of the seat in front of you with your bare fists. it didnt make me want to do that. it also features a scene where keanu reeves speaks a south asian language, which is laugh- out- loud funny, and made me think that if more hollywood films featured keanu reeves speaking a south asian language i would probably go to the cinema to watch hollywood films more often, rather than ponceing around in my beret watching animated movies about alienated iranian teenagers and black and white films about IRA hunger strikers.

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[08 Dec 2018|02:18pm]
i just found a bottle of kiehls formula 133 conditioner and grooming aid in the st peters hospice shop for fifty pee. the normal rrp for a bottle of said unguent in The Shops is £16. £16! ricockulous. or.... maybe not. maybe it is such an effective hair conditioner and grooming aid that it is worth more than i would spend on shampoo in a year, even if i was only buying superspanky organic faith in nature shampoo that costs £4 a bottle which is, lets face it, quite a lot of money for a shampoo. (isnt it? how much do you spend on shampoo per annum? AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION!)

anyway, so i have always wondered what it would be like to have swishy filmstar hair, because all the filmstars use kiehls dont they? and moreover, after a youth wasted reading and inwardly digesting the wisdom of womens' magazines, theres still a tiny little bit of me that believes that using a very swanky hair conditioner will not just improve the appearance of my hair but result in marked improvement in most aspects of my wider life; soon i will be able to verify whether this is the case.
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[21 Nov 2018|01:52pm]
there are only five registered bnp members living within a mile radius of my house. i feel good about that. to be honest, i thought it would be more. knowle always strikes me as the kind of area that would harbour them. not know'west so much but upper knowle. its got that suburban, manicured gardens, curtain- twitchy hidden- hate feel to it. god, i hate where i live. plan for next year: STOP TALKING ABOUT MOVING, AND ACTUALLY FUCKING MOVE.

i am going to knit this hat:

i have five balls of lambs pride worsted, all in really awesome colours that dont even vaguely match each other so cant be made into a really massive stripey scarf or jumper or something. so, if the first tam o'shanter goes well i will proceed to knit four more in the other colours, and then i can have a different tam o'shanter for every weekday. hey, the other day i was described as 'someone who looks good in All Hats'. which is, to my admittedly negatively biased view, entirely untrue, but a nice thing to have said about you. im pretty sure i will look good in this hat, provided its a decent pattern. i dont for goddamn sure know about All Hats, but i can undoubtedly rock a beret or tam o'shanter. im kinda pissed that berets are so fashy this winter. you know when you are rocking a look, and then everyone is rocking your look, some of them almost as well as you do, and youre like, MOTHERFUCKER! that was my look! that, my friends, is why fashion is basically a massive pile of gooseshit.
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[20 Nov 2018|05:22pm]
every time i watch a dvd commentary i think, hmm, i really must post about dvd commentaries on my livejournal one day. then i wake up the next morning and i forget. TODAY, TODAY WILL BE DIFFERENT.

has anyone here ever seen/ listened to a dvd commentary that was any cop whatsoever? whilst watching the dvd commentary for 'pine barrens', the sopranos episode directed by steve buscemi (an episode i have previously heard described as the quintissential sopranos episode by someone who might have been very pretentious but might otherwise have been simon pegg: i cant quite remember) i was reminded that basically, all dvd commentaries are essentially the same; they are a person involved in the production at some level saying variations on the same basic theme:

1. it was really great to work with this cast and/ or crew; theyre all really extraordinarily talented and it was just a huge privilege to see them at their craft

2. that thing that the characters just did whilst i was talking? im just going to describe to you what that thing was that they did, even though you know, because im basically trying to think of something to say that isnt about how much i enjoyed working with them and watching them at their craft

last night i invented a new drinking game: drink a shot of sambucca every time steve buscemi says 'it was really great to see so- and- so; we worked together on trees lounge'. im not quite sure why they even bother to pay an actor or producer or director to come in and do these things because they could just as well ask the person who made the coleslaw on the catering van and their experience and insight would usually be pretty much the same. i think the only really interesting thing ive ever heard anyone say on a dvd commentary was when drew barrymore said about the marl hoodies everyone wears to the party scene in donnie darko and i was like, i was right! it was an ET reference! but that leads me to believe that the observation in question must have been hugely banal and unoriginal on my part, because basically noone ever says anything on a dvd commentary that isnt banal or unoriginal. paddy considine gets one point for singing 5, 6, 7, 8 by steps at the end of either a room for romeo brass or dead mans shoes, but if thats the most interesting thing anyones ever done on a dvd commentary ive ever heard you can see just how low the bar has been set.

how about you? do you have any experiences of the dvd commentary that would directly contradict my thesis here? my suspicion: you dont. its totally redundant as a form.

note to self: you have done very well not to mention the fabulous awfulness of joel schumacher's director's commentary on st elmos fire, which is similtaneously the absolute distillation of the problems you outline above and somehow manages to spectacularly transcend the limitations thereof; mainly because joel schumacher is transparently (and very entertainingly) convinced that st elmos fire is A Work Of Art, and not A Really Terrible Film Of Which Many People Are Nonetheless Unaccountably Fond Despite Themselves And Their Better Instincts.
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[10 Nov 2018|01:38am]
ive got a message here for julie bindel, but i dont know how to get it to her. if anyone sees her, could they pass it on? are you likely to see her? you might be? could you? oh thats awesome, thanks. what is the message? oh, sure, wait up.... okay yeah, here it is:


you dont need to write it down, it doesnt have to be the exact message word for word. just the gist will do. thanks for your help.
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gore vidal drunk on the excitement of it all, for those of you who missed it. [05 Nov 2018|12:11pm]

it wont be up for long, because its the beeb. my new favourite bit: 'from doubleya the bush to all of the operatives that they have'.
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obama + gourds= massive happy. [31 Oct 2018|04:17pm]
i dont really have anything to say. i just wanted to make sure you all saw my topical userpic featuring barack obama holding a pumpkin. he even holds a pumpkin in a totally statesmanlike and presidential manner. if you want to see more photos of barack obama and pumpkins, you can either type barack obama + pumpkins into google (which will even up the 'barack obama' + 'terrorist' searches in a really adorable fashion) or you can go here: http://jezebel.com/5071527/obamas-ad-buy-so-successful-the-crazies-come-out-of-the-woodwork
i can pretty much guarantee you it will happy your day up all nice and proper.
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A FUNNY THING! [29 Oct 2018|02:47pm]
my sister said she was watching channel 4 news the other day and there was a fairly standard- issue mccain supporting gentleman from the southern states on there who said:

(apologies to any southerners reading for my clumsy phonetic rendering of your fine and admirable accent)

'ahm not voting for obama. ah thank hes a MUESLIM'.

is a mueslim someone who worships alpen?
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[27 Oct 2018|04:59pm]
where the fuck are my comments? lj, youre busting my hump now!
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[21 Oct 2018|05:03pm]
im going to motel now to look at their wide range of second hand boots, determinedly ignoring the sound of my mothers voice saying 'NEVER BUY SECOND HAND SHOES, NEVER EVER EVER, I WILL DISOWN YOU IF YOU DO' ringing round my head. if i dont find any boots there, i am giving up on the boot. i thought id found the pair i loved, but they were £85, reasonable enough i suppose but i just cant bring myself to spend £85 on a pair of shoes- on a pair of anything, actually. and anyway, im not sure if i really liked them, or if i just liked them more than all the other effulgently unpleasant examples of the cobblers art that i had looked at over the space of the previous three hours. never buy something purely on the basis that it is not as horrid as all the other things. that is the advice i wish my mother had dinned into me as a child, rather than the thing about second- hand shoes.
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WORLD OF NICE [21 Oct 2018|04:54pm]
here are things that live in the World Of Nice:

1. new etnies trainers from tacky max. navy blue with white polka dots on. maybe just an eensy- weensy bit too small, but i dont care, because so was the price, and blue big throbbing bruised toenails are very fashion forward. they are indeed a look i have worked many times in the past, although admittedly on most of those occasions the blame lay squarely with tequila in some manner or another.

2. writing. lots and lots of writing. up to 32078 words of novel. have not yet developed Writerly Habits around the writing of the novel, but hey, i do seem to work best in these desperate, disparate late- night, tobacco- fuelled jags, seperated from each other by weeks at a time. i stay up and listen to sly and the family stone, or the 24 hour party people soundtrack, or cat stevens, very very quietly so my neighbour cant hear- sometimes so quietly that im not even sure that i can hear- and every time it gets to ten to the hour i say 'must go to bed, must go to bed, must totally go to bed soon or tomorrow i will be of the zomben people'. twenty minutes later i come out of the zone, typing with one hand so as not to spill ash on the keyboard, tapping tapping tapping, mumbling to myself, flicking back to my other open document where i type things like 'WHY IS HE LIKE THIS?' and 'AFTERPARTY BEFORE THREESOME' and 'WHERE DID SHE GO TO UNIVERSITY'. and then i finally drag myself off to bed at 3 oclock and ive written two and a half thousand words and some of them are decent and i wake up the next day and i want to do it all over again.

its funny that i stopped doing this. i was saying to someone yesterday that maybe the urge to write/ make music/ paint etc reacts in different ways to Massive Life Change- when my dad died i wrote furiously and constantly. everything that happened i had to convert into words. the last three years have been a time of even bigger change in their way, bigger change in smaller increments over a long period, and for much of it i felt like i couldnt write, and hated writing, and was scared id forget how to do it. (and actually, this, livejournal, is the writing i enjoy least at the moment, but thats okay). im only just getting the desire to write back, the enjoyment of it, the rush. i think, simply, that sometimes it goes away. it always comes back though. if you think that you cant live without it, then it will come back.

3. couples in the library researching their family tree, and saying things to each other like 'you might *think* they should be dead, but maybe theyre not'.

4. ive said about the shoes, havent i? yeah. theyre really fucking good.

5. joan didion's essay about having a notebook. its just really great. its in slouching towards bethlehem, which is also, as it happens, pretty great.
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BOOT UPDATE [17 Oct 2018|02:52pm]
a) of all the things in the world that can be fugly, there is nothing fulgier than a fugly boot. thats my new fashion rule.

b) for the above reason, i am not going to mastershoe. the only boots they are stocking that are not fugly are doc martens leather kneeboots, ie quite nice but boring boots.

c) on clarks there is a quite nice boot, but it has a stupid name, and if youre going to buy an 80s- influenced ankle boot, it should probably not come from clarks. thats just lame and grownup.

d) i like a boot at topshop. this season however topshop is selling some shoes that i found so revolting im actually thinking of boycotting topshop. boycotting or firebombing. im pretty torn. these shoes are the kind of shoes that you look at and you want to say to someone 'i will definitely buy a pair of those when the council gives me my "look like an insane transvsestive crackhead" license back'.

seriously! its just boots! how can this be so difficult?
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